04 | 👌🏻 Lower your expectations
I’m Jake - you’re getting this email because you signed up to my weekly email about becoming a better person and enjoying life as much as possible.
Yo team,
A month of writing has gone by already! Having a lot of fun doing it so thanks for joining. Lots more good stuff to come.
Happy by Derren Brown has been on the old bedside table for a few weeks. I also read it on the way to work or football (one of the few upsides of commuting). It's genuinely an amazing and eye-opening read about Stoicism and everyday life. Derren Brown is brilliant as well. I think I'll read it again at some point once I've finished.
Around the midway point, the book turns its gaze to anger.
Anger is a big focus for Stoics. Ultimately, anger is a largely destructive emotion - how far do we get in a shouting match? Events rarely change whether we are angry or not. So for the most part, what's the point?
Stoicism tells us that we can and should avoid reaching the point of anger. Anger definitely gets in the way of enjoying life - the point of this email - so this is a big focus for me.
Our feelings are our choice. It's up to us to recognise how an event (My car won't start...), which is neither morally good nor bad, is interpreted in our mind (...this is the worst thing that could happen).
More importantly, it's up to us to control how we react to it (I'm so annoyed, this always happens to me vs It's fine - what can I do to fix it?).
We tell ourselves our own story about events we see in the world, and it's up to us to control what the voice tells us.
Easier said than done, right? Everyone has their gripes. Mine is loud eaters. It's not easy to consciously rewrite the story in my head:
Person eating loudly > 'This is a bad thing which I don't like' > 'I am angry at this bad thing' = Anger
Person eating loudly > 'This is neither morally good nor bad' > 'It's fine' = No emotion
One way to prevent the negative story from developing in my head is to lower your expectations. This quote from Happy really stands out to me:
Lower your expectations - to lower our expectations is to greatly reduce our anger: if we don't expect things to work out brilliantly, we'll be less frustrated when they don't.
This also links nicely to a piece of advice an old friend once gave me after being let down by another pal. "I think you might expect too much of them."
And because all good things come in threes, here's a quote from William Shakespeare:
Expectation is the root of all heartache.
I don't think the point of this Stoic approach is to be emotionless and static. It's more to realise that a cool head will be far more effective and enjoyable than anger. There are times when anger can be constructive, of course. But for the most part, it only serves to make things worse.
And at the very least - your car didn't suddenly start because you gave the steering wheel a painful whack.
Thanks! 😎
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How am I 1% better today? 📈
I attended a session on Wednesday with Stuart Lawrence, the brother of Stephen Lawrence, who was murdered in a high-profile racist attack in 1993 in Eltham, south-east London.
I found Stuart to be overwhelmingly positive and a fantastic speaker. He told us on the call that in 2012, he realised that no new evidence would come to the fore to charge the 3 men who had walked away 'not guilty' for his brother's murder. This realisation brought him and his family to decide to look forward and aim to leave a lasting legacy of Stephen and how this case could be a driving force for young people.
Having the chance to listen to Stuart was a really fortunate experience, and yet another reminder that we decide on the story we tell ourselves.
What have I learned this week? 🤔
I learned about a way to level up my To-do list game. When I finish work, as well as writing tomorrow's To-do list, I write tomorrow's HIGHLIGHT. This is the one thing I absolutely have to get done. Works great. (I believe this is from Make Time - but I saw it on Twitter).
This Week’s Recommendation 🔝
TV 📺 - *Line of Duty (Series 6)* - Series Finale!
Food🍴 - Feta Pasta - 1 block of feta surrounded by garlic, onions, cherry tomatoes and olive oil in a small oven dish. Bake for 45 mins until the tomatoes have burst and the top layer of the feta has browned, mix with pasta, consider adding a bit of lemon juice, and thank me later.
This Week I’m: ⬇️
Reading 📚 - Happy - Derren Brown (still). Made some serious progress this week
Listening to 🎧 - The Ground Up Show - Matt D'Avella. More Matt is never a bad thing.
Planning 📐 - My next trip up to Manchester
Working on 🧑🏻💻 - A video about making the most of working from home
Thinking about 💭 - Would a team called FC Pensioners be a good 5aside team? I guess I'll find out tonight
This Week’s Quote 💬
People who prioritise impressing people rather than letting themselves be impressed by others make it hard for those others to like them.
This Week’s Video 📺
Here's another attempt at my thoughts on a really interesting topic: sleep.
There we have it - let me know if you have any thoughts!
Looking forward to catching up next week.
In the meantime, find me on Twitter, Instagram and YouTube, and have a look at what I’m reading on Goodreads. Ciao!